Sunday, September 20, 2009

Cure for Insomnia

Lately I’ve been having trouble getting enough restful sleep so I decided to search the internet for insomnia cures. My sleeping problem is actually quite specific, it only occurs on Sunday from 1:00-4:00. After some extensive research (Googling “Insomnia Cures”), I came up with the following list of helpful suggestions:
  • Listen to white noise or relaxation music
  • Read something religious
  • Avoid alcohol and caffeine
  • Establish a routine
  • Wear socks
  • Don’t watch TV

Based on this list, I’m already doing the things necessary for restful slumber, for example:

White noise—Check. I mean what could be more white noise than listening to Sister Najelly Young relate the Old Testament story of Esther? “. . .and then in the thirteenth of the month of Adarthen the king said to Haman that Mordecai sat in the king’s gate with two of the king’s chamberlains, Bigthan and Teresh and then Esther who wasn’t Mordecai’s real daughter became the queen . . . z z z"

Reading something religious—Check. I’m in church.

Avoiding alcohol and caffeine—Great big check. The only “mixed drinks” allowed in the church involve fruit punch and Sprite—but never on Sunday. Even the hard-core caffeine drinkers in the congregation leave the Coke in the ice-filled cooler in the trunk of their car. They don’t bring them into the chapel or share them with me.

Establish a routine—Sacrament service from 1:00-2:10, Sunday School from 2:20-3:00, Relief Society/Priesthood from 3:10-4:00. What could be more routine that that?

Wearing socks—I’m not sure what this has to do with sleep but I wear socks to church so I guess I can check this one off as well.

No TV watching—Since there are no TVs in the chapel this is easy. However, I admit to checking the internet for the latest NFL scores which may interfere with my sleep.

Since I’m doing everything right and still not getting enough sleep, I decided more research was in order. Intensive Googling finally revealed the cause of my insomnia—lateral epicondyle adlido costae verae. Don’t worry, it’s not serious. In fact the cure is very simple—sit farther away from the Relief Society president. Lateral epicondyle adlido costae verae is a highly scientific term meaning "elbow striking ribs". It seems the Relief Society president considers spousal snoring bad form and she applies her rather attractive elbow to my ribs whenever it occurs (usually by about 1:35 p.m.)

I’m considering sitting farther away from my wife but then people will think we’re fighting, plus she throws well and the hymnal will definitely leave a mark. No, I think the real answer to my insomnia is learning to sleep quietly—preferably with my eyes open so that it looks like I’m there. If I ever perfect this technique, please don’t call on me to say the prayer without waking me first.


  1. I found crossing your hands and bowing your head while kneeling - avoids most of these problems...

  2. LOL. You are still hilarious with a sharp sense of humor and wit. You may not remember me. We were at BYU together. You dated my roommate Lori something or other autumn 1983, and then a couple of other girls on that dorm floor early 1984ish. I dated one of your roommates, Nathan, that school year. I still remember how you so boldly snuck into the MTC late at night, woke him up, and snuck him out so we could chat through the fence. Sounds like life is pretty decent for you, glad to read it.

    1. Kate,

      I just now figured out that I could reply to comments. I remember you very well. We all had some good times together. Life is great for me. Living the Provo dream with my wife and son. Keeping busy with work and family with some refereeing thrown in for fun. Take Care!