- Listen to white noise or relaxation music
- Read something religious
- Avoid alcohol and caffeine
- Establish a routine
- Wear socks
- Don’t watch TV
Based on this list, I’m already doing the things necessary for restful slumber, for example:
White noise—Check. I mean what could be more white noise than listening to Sister Najelly Young relate the Old Testament story of Esther? “. . .and then in the thirteenth of the month of Adarthen the king said to Haman that Mordecai sat in the king’s gate with two of the king’s chamberlains, Bigthan and Teresh and then Esther who wasn’t Mordecai’s real daughter became the queen . . . z z z"
Reading something religious—Check. I’m in church.
Avoiding alcohol and caffeine—Great big check. The only “mixed drinks” allowed in the church involve fruit punch and Sprite—but never on Sunday. Even the hard-core caffeine drinkers in the congregation leave the Coke in the ice-filled cooler in the trunk of their car. They don’t bring them into the chapel or share them with me.
Establish a routine—Sacrament service from 1:00-2:10, Sunday School from 2:20-3:00, Relief Society/Priesthood from 3:10-4:00. What could be more routine that that?
Wearing socks—I’m not sure what this has to do with sleep but I wear socks to church so I guess I can check this one off as well.
No TV watching—Since there are no TVs in the chapel this is easy. However, I admit to checking the internet for the latest NFL scores which may interfere with my sleep.
Since I’m doing everything right and still not getting enough sleep, I decided more research was in order. Intensive Googling finally revealed the cause of my insomnia—lateral epicondyle adlido costae verae. Don’t worry, it’s not serious. In fact the cure is very simple—sit farther away from the Relief Society president. Lateral epicondyle adlido costae verae is a highly scientific term meaning "elbow striking ribs". It seems the Relief Society president considers spousal snoring bad form and she applies her rather attractive elbow to my ribs whenever it occurs (usually by about 1:35 p.m.)
I’m considering sitting farther away from my wife but then people will think we’re fighting, plus she throws well and the hymnal will definitely leave a mark. No, I think the real answer to my insomnia is learning to sleep quietly—preferably with my eyes open so that it looks like I’m there. If I ever perfect this technique, please don’t call on me to say the prayer without waking me first.