Every six months, faithful Mormons eschew regular worship
services and spend two days watching General Conference on TV or online. In all but
the most orthodox homes, this is done in pajamas or casual clothes. General
Conference begins on Saturday morning with a welcoming address by the President
of the Church. During his address, the Prophet often makes major announcements, such as the construction of new temples or significant changes to church
policies. Each conference I’m pretty sure I hear a “major announcement” that
all the upcoming guidance and instructions are for other, less faithful, members and I can
return to my slumber. Strangely, my wife never hears this same announcement. Two
years ago a “major announcement” declared that the eligibility age for
missionaries would be lowered to 18. In 1999, another major announcement
revealed that the Nauvoo Temple would be rebuilt.
Like many members, I try and turn off the lawnmower long
enough to hear the opening address just in case the Prophet calls me out by
name for mowing the lawn or makes a “major announcement.” “Major announcements”
(and the accompanying speculation) actually travel across Twitter and Facebook
faster than the speed of light. When the mission age was lowered to 18 for
young men, the first Facebook meme appeared two minutes before the end of the
speech.
For members, major announcements generally relate to prophesied signs about
the second coming of the Savior. Members rank these
pronouncements in importance by their ability to generate the most Tweets (in
the olden days “Tweets” were called “gossip”). For example, an announcement
that the lost tribes of Israel were found living in Wyoming would generate a few hundred Tweets while an announcement that “darkness will cover the Earth—starting
tomorrow” would set a new record for Tweets, memes and rampant speculation.
It’s important to listen or read the announcements in person
as sometimes members get carried away in their enthusiasm for “big news”. For
example, by the time a generic recommendation to; “prepare now for the Second
Coming” gets to someone’s Facebook status it may morph into: “my congregation was
just asked to be the first to exchange our cars for cattle which we’ll herd across
the Great Plains to Missouri.” An anonymous family, into which I married, may possibly
lead the church in making these kinds of announcement transformations.
Most conferences are devoid of major revelations and instead
focus on trying to get us (the members of the church) to do the things we’re
supposed to be doing (or not doing) as the case may be. We’re counseled to keep all of the commandments, avoid pornography, share the gospel, stay on the straight and
narrow, have faith, be grateful, love one another, pray, study the scriptures,
forgive one another, feed the hungry, do our home and visiting teaching, clothe
the naked, pay tithes and offerings, avoid adultery and keep the other nine
commandments, etc. etc. etc.
Sometime the list of things we should be doing (and not
doing) seems very long. Perhaps that’s why members so anxiously await major announcements.
We’re hoping we can forget about listening to all the “perfecting of the saints”
stuff and just hear that starting tomorrow we’ll all be riding back to Adam-ondi-Ahman in
air-conditioned RVs purchased for us by the lost 10 tribes where we’ll eat manna
and play with lions. That announcement is coming right after the one that tells
me I can go back to sleep.
