Monday, March 1, 2010

Speculation Olympics

As this is the Olympic season, our neighborhood has decided to hold our own special event. I like to call it the Speculation Olympics. Opening ceremonies were last week at Stake Conference when a member of the Stake Presidency fired the figurative starter’s pistol by announcing that this week our Ward, and the Zoramite and Rameumptom Wards would have a single meeting—a joint Sacrament meeting.

With that announcement, thumbs texted and tongues talked. In the team competition, the Rameumptom Ward took the early lead by speculating that their ward would be translated and taken to heaven to join the citizens of Enoch. Those who weren’t quite ready to go would be divided among the two remaining Wards. They spent the week wrapping their food storage in pretty gift baskets and ding-dong-ditching it on our doorsteps.

The Zoramite Ward organized a telephone tree to hypothesize that Sunday meetings would be shortened to one hour at three different times to accommodate their busy recreation schedules. They spent the week eating food made from storage wheat and shopping for boats and RVs.

The ladies in our Ward spent the week on the phone, going over the Rameumptom and Zoramite ward directories to see who they wanted as new visiting teaching companions. Once all the names had been accepted, the sisters held an NFL style phone draft where each sister on the call selected one of the available names until every sister’s name was selected. Following the visiting teaching draft, each sister typed up an email to the Relief Society president requesting sister so-and-so as her new companion. The emails are saved on iPhones and Blackberry and will be sent as soon as Sacrament meeting concludes.

In the individual speculation competition, it’s currently a tie between the Young Men’s and the Relief Society presidents. The YM president “has it on good authority” that one of the wards will be dissolved and their members split among the other two wards. This “good authority” is the “eye of Sauron” (the neighborhood busy-body) who observed the Stake President walking up and down the streets with sidewalk chalk. The Relief Society president countered with her opinion that the Bishop’s office was unusually clean and he was seen shopping for non-white dress shirts at Macy’s—which of course means he’s getting ready to be released.

With only hours to go until the official announcement the phone lines are burning as members talk among themselves wondering if they’ll:
· be released
· still have to prepare a lesson for next week
· switch meeting times
· like the “uppity” people from the Rameumpton ward
· be perceived as “holier than thou” by the Zoramite ward

As for me, I just hope that I’ll be home in time for the gold medal hockey game, the steaks will be thawed in time for dinner, and that my home teaching families will be in the “new” ward so I don’t have to visit them on the last day of the month.