Sunday, August 2, 2009

Is there something different about you honey?

My wife, who has spent the last few years growing her hair out, recently decided it was time for a hairstyle change. When a woman is about to make a momentous life-changing decision like this she needs more prayers and support than an ordinary man like me is capable of providing—yet she still expects my advice. Normally I answer either; “sure”, or “absolutely not” to any question regarding her dress or fashion. However, I’ve learned it’s very important to pay attention to the question before responding with a rote answer. For example, a distracted “sure”, in response to; “Will wearing this blouse make me look pregnant?”— earns an undeserved night of chilly stares.

Back to the haircut. Once a woman decides to cut more than 1¾ of an inch off her hair she needs the advice of 12 Internet Sites, Eleven Relief Society Sisters, Ten “Us” Magazines, Nine FedEx Drivers, Eight Postal Carriers, Seven Silly Siblings, Six Gossipy Girls, Five Peeping Toms, Four Grocery Clerks, Three Old Friends, Two Facebook pals, and one very nervous husband. When she has collected their input she analyzes, evaluates, sorts and prioritizes it. She says your advice is as important as input from her Facebook friends and, but unless you’re a trained cosmetologist it’s not true. She gives as much weight to your suggestions as she does to your 83-year-old mother’s--who reminds her that during the depression she used rocks heated by the sun to curl her hair.

Following months of research she finally picks a new hairstyle that fits her face, coloring, age, and lifestyle. Now it’s time for the cosmetologist to turn the dream into reality. This is a good time for family prayer; “bless the cosmetologist that her hands will be able to fabulously style mom’s hair”, is a good starter. If more than seven inches of hair is involved, fasting and prayer together is recommended.

While your wife is undergoing the operation, you pace nervously, hoping that all is going well and that the cosmetologist is not impaired or planning a hair tribute to Farah Fawcett. In the odd chance you actually have to go go work as the fate of the nation depends upon it, add a reminder to your blackberry telling you to compliment your wife on her fabulous new hair style the moment you walk in the door. Do not forget this; it’s very important for your happiness.

Your wife loves you very much and your approval is very important—no matter what—even if the final result looks like it was cut with a blender and styled by the sunroof (it doesn’t.) Smile and lie if you must, there are no eternal consequences. Besides, eternal condemnation is not as bad as what will happen if you blow this moment. This is also not the time for joking, do not say, for example; “I don’t care what everyone else thinks, I like it” (I actually said this— out loud). Tonight is the first time that I get to move my bed inside the house. It’s really more of a dirty blanket, but at least it gets to come in the house.

OK, I didn’t really have to sleep under an overpass wrapped in a dirty blanket, but I learned an important lesson. Haircuts are serious business and it’s not good for your long-term happiness if you screw up your big opportunity to compliment your wife by making tasteless jokes. Honey, I'm sorry. Here's my 500 word written apology. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got dishes and laundry to do.


  1. I once told my wife "it looks a lot more like it does now than it did before" and that didn't go over very well either.

  2. You've been married how long? You understand that this is the Kobeyashi Maru of marital situations, don't you? You can't win. Don't try.

  3. Another hilarious read. You hit the nail on the head. I especially love the advice getting part (You succeeded. I heard the "12 days of Christmas" singing in my head :-)

  4. My husband sent me to this blog after I got my haircut today... but he didn't learn very much because he actually told me that I got a "chubby girl" haircut and that my blonde highlights will help me to adjust to the fact that I will have grey hair like my mom... and he's not even home yet! Can he borrow your dirty blanket? It sounds like you don't need it anymore ;) Oh, but don't worry, I told him my hair doesn't make me look fat, food does! Heehee... and I did get all the opinions before I went, but it does all come down to the mood you are in when you sit in the chair. Good luck husbands everywhere! Knowing is half the battle!