40 Bottles of Goo

When I woke up this morning, my bathroom countertop seemed cluttered. To see why, I inventoried the items stored there. At this moment there are more than 40 containers on my bathroom countertop. The “0” after the “4” is not a typo, the number is 40 and that excludes toothpaste, mouthwash and hand soap (the things that are “mine”).

So you’re thinking to yourself: “What’s in all those other bottles, tubes and cans?” Since I didn’t know myself, I read some of the labels. One of the tubes is marked “Body Soufflé” ─sounds kinky but I think it has something to do with cannibalism. “Here honey, let me rub some soufflé on your back.” Good thing I’m a light sleeper.

While inspecting the abundant tubes covering the counter I noticed that there are different moisturizing lotions for the hands, feet, face, elbows, and shoulders. I shudder to think what would happen if you accidentally mixed up the tubes and applied hand lotion to your face. Would little fingerprint lines suddenly appear? If so, there is a tube on the counter that hides lines.

In keeping with the Soufflé theme, there is also a can of mousse. To be honest, I know what mousse is for─ hiding receding hairlines. At least that’s what I use it for. There, it’s out in the open, I admit it, my hairline is receding. It’s an Oprah moment. My hairline is gradually retreating. If there were as many women as men with receding hairlines, Oprah would rally her viewers to march on Washington D.C. to demand Congress fund the search for a cure. Men just use mousse to comb the hair that’s left, “over”.

There is also a tube I’ve not tried labeled “Age Defying Cream.” I want to know if it will help shrink my age-expanding gut or restore my youthful hairline. Somehow I doubt it. I think this potion is used to treat the age lines (wrinkles) that my wife absolutely does not have, anywhere, at all.

In conclusion, I don’t know what most of these tubes and bottles are for (Nor how much they cost). But the application of these lotions and potions keeps my wife looking tan, fit, young, smooth, soft, rejuvenated and sensual—and who can complain about that?